....Happy Birthday Daddy!

This is one of those times where it feels like even though there’s so much on my plate as a Marine wife, mother, Girl Scout junkie, podiatrist, confidant, doctor, consoler, grief counselor, nurse, chocolate and wine expert, carpool, soon to be homeschool mom, multi-tasker, chef, artist, couch potato writer and veterinarian that I have to stop for a minute and realize the date for a second. 

So my sister had a dream about daddy.  It was pretty cool so I hope she doesn’t get mad at me for writing about it but she said she’d dreamt but what felt real that she’d gone over to visit momma and was just sitting at the kitchen table chit chatting when dad just gingerly walked out of the bedroom clear as day.  After she picked up her jaw she asked him, “What are YOU doing here?! You’re supposed to be dead.”  He basically told her that she was right and that he was okay. 

It was pretty neat to hear & I wish I could have one like that.  Just to know that he looked real good and he is okay ‘from the horse’s mouth’ would comfort my heart and it did as she told me her story.  As I write this I sit in his old one pocket t-shirt that’s worn from the days he used to put in cigarette packs or tissue and stretch out the pockets.  When I first got this shirt from mom I only wanted it and some of his socks mainly because it was his we worn the same size (I used to use them all the time anyways) but it also smelled like him which was a HUGE plus but that almost killed and comforted me at the same time.  It’s his birthday today and it is a good day to reflect again on him and how he helped shape me. 

I would’ve never known how to fish or seen someone go into the water to catch a catfish if not for mom & daddy. 

I was spoiled rotten because I was the baby (no matter what my sister says)

I would’ve never realized how important family is without mom & dad because after Sammy, Cassie and Granny Little died everyone kind of clung closer to one another and I didn’t realize why but now that dad’s gone I do.  Life is precious and limited.

I never realized how alike I am to him and mom because without my sister-in-law, Kathie, my sisters and momma’s memories of my childhood I often overlook that we’re all different ages but are bonded together in more ways than one by the two of them raising us.

The list can go on and on…..

Time heals wounds.  Whoever said that is full of shit…lol. No not really but about half right.  I agree that it heals your heart by easing your grief but your mind is a whole other ocean of emotions.  When I sit back and think about the time that has come and gone since my dad has passed I think about the birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, life changes and everything that has occurred without him.  Sitting here now I still want to call mom and ask for dad to tell him happy birthday!  We’d all go over and hand him lottery tickets or money or food but can’t anymore.  That gets me every time. 

Hell he would have never guessed the price of a gallon of gas or anything else these days or that McCain would lose and we have the president we do.  Jokingly and sarcastically maybe but never in a million years would he have thought it would have came true. Ha! 

He would have loved to see my sister kick cancers ass considering he passed away from it.  Everything simultaneously was smashed together 3 years ago today; her diagnosis, daddy’s illness and then passing which was incredibly hard on all of us but no one more than my sister.  That’s enough stress to make anyone crumble but like always she showed grace, strength, and still is amazingly inspiring through it all. 

He would have been worried and excited to know I moved across the country.  He always had high hopes for me but we never thought I’d leave Texas ever!  He’d be surprised at how 3 years could completely change a persons’ life for the better.  I wish he could see my house, how my Chevy truck is still kickin’, how these ‘hippies and gold rush folks’ out here do more than surf and smoke pot all day like most Texans think and that they do have decent bar-b-que here.  I wish he could see my Wyatt Earp and Cody they love momma and I know daddy would have reluctantly loved them too. 

He would have never guessed my momma would have gotten on an airplane and lived to tell the tale and several times at that!!  She got on her first one to come and visit me in California and has been on the move ever since.  She’s accomplished so much and come a long way to even retire from her job.  She misses her best friend and companion of 40+ years and to know a love of that magnitude then to let it go has to be the hardest thing a woman ever has to do.  Their fights, bickering, pinched butts, loving glances, sarcastic daggering glances, nicknames like “big butt” and the joking back and forth of their relationship balanced out the serious and not so serious times. 

We have such a huge family and it has gone through some definite changes since daddy passed some for the good and not so good.  I think we all miss his presence and the taken for granted conversations the most.  The daily numerous phone calls to just check on us and funny voicemails we all knew what he’d say, “hey crystal, this is your daddy…” lol. I knew his voice like the back of my hand but every voice mail was the same it made me laugh then but cry now.  I wish I could hear that voice again.  I think we all miss sitting and talkin’ for a long time about nothing.  Anything would do from the latest neighbor gossip, snoody distant relatives, the weather from present to past, his family, our family including the crazy ones; nothing was off limits to a good conversation.  He’d tell you what he really thought then what he thought others would think would be politically correct so if someone asked you could just quote the watered down version. LOL!  

I think we all really miss that the most and like I said time heals the grief but I doubt it will ever suppress the memories in our mind.  

Happy Birthday spike! 

New Year...new you?!

It's been too long....Happy New Year! I hope everyone is enjoying there's!

New Year, new you?!

So how has the New Year treated everyone? Same old same old or new and exciting?!

Have you begun a daily routine of walking in the mornings or switched cereal brands? Has anyone tried Zumba fitness or the Brazil Butt Lift?! I’ve heard amazing things for both of those things. Don’t knock it til you try it but yes I think the Butt Lift one should maybe have a different name. LOL.

Did you implement ‘no television during dinner’ or less sweets for everyone? How about a commitment to save more money this year or blow all your savings to redecorate your house? Do you secretly want to attend a hoarders/extreme couponers/chocoholics anonymous classes maybe?

I know I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for a while now. 2012 for us has been fast and furious so far and shows no signs of slowing down. I swear the teachers pile it on after the holidays for these kids. Do they not know that it is Girl Scout cookie time and also kids-spreading-around-the-flu-season?! I do not have the time or brain capacity to sit here and make a mission project or create a dress for Colonial Day! Thank you very much, maybe next time. Sorry I’m done venting. LOL

For some wives even though we may want so many new changes or experiences from the New Year sometimes the Marine Corps thinks differently and they’re deploying or training to deploy or have duty or needed for long hours at work. No kiss at midnight? No one to help you do all the chores and tasks I mentioned above? Don’t feel alone. LOL! To cook or not to cook dinner that is the question!

And for some husbands’ their past will linger over into New Years for unknown years to come. A lot of what our guys experience and live through whether combat or non-combat related can affect them in such a way that they have so much stress and anxiety it affects their everyday lives which in turn affect yours. There isn’t anything you can do to make them forget or change what they feel other than help them realize they will be able to get through it with your support. Keep in mind everyone has different degrees of severity when talking about PTS & PTSD so everyone is a bit different in what they can handle and what they can’t so sometimes talking to an outside person puts all of this into perspective and can give new options and techniques as to how to cope.

A guy got into an argument with his wife over a military picture that was laying around and it brought back memories of that day it was taken. He didn’t remember he brought out the picture or that he was the one who left it out. For some reason at that moment when he caught a glimpse of it he just was mad. He had never talked to his wife about his adventures and experiences within the service so the words he spoke weren’t to her he was talking through her. He took his memories and anger out on the wife and she ended up different shades of blue, purple and red on her face, arms and body. He choked her until her lips were purple and she almost had no fight left in her.

For some reason as her life was literally slipping away in his hands he let up abruptly as if snapping back to reality at just the right moment. The whole story is horrific and saddening but the cops were called and it was a case of simple domestic violence for civilians but for those of us with men who have PTSD it’s that. In this instance the wife left him and only because he refused treatment for his PTSD and without it he is almost guaranteed it will happen again & there are children involved so as a mother she cannot risk it. She continues to ask him to seek counseling for their marriage and the PTSD.

Some of these stories we’ve all heard about recently on the news are more mild and some more severe than others. I’m not saying it is okay for men to hit and abuse women but the shoes have been on many military families without always knowing what the real trigger that set him off was. It isn’t as simple as ok throw him in jail and he’ll be better. Ladies you’re the commander in chief even if they don’t realize it so encourage your husband by helping him get help for himself and for your family and do it sooner rather than later.

Regardless of whether you seek professional help or not there still might be set backs and lapses with varying degrees depending on stress levels and anxiety of each situation in his and your day to day routine. Nightmares, night sweats, getting punched or choked in your sleep? Is there a big social event coming up, parents/in-laws in town, fireworks show, rambunctious kids, too much noise and artillery bombing in the distance? It might not be a great day for your household. This really sucks when arty decides to do their bombing over a consistent time. You may not be able to plan for outings or strolls down the street to see the sunset. Even driving may be too much to handle because he gets such bad road rage just going to the commissary down the block. Roles in the marriage may shift gradually or abruptly so this is where your training and Semper-gumbyness comes in. As crazy as everything may seem when it all boils down to it you love this man and without question back his decisions within the Marine Corps.

I just wish more people would talk amongst themselves or go to a VVSD Family Night and share their stories so it’s not such a mystery that is some secret that no one speaks about. There is always strength in numbers so if someone was to share a story and others have experienced the same thing it’s a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. You’re not crazy yeah!

Some days can be better than others so look forward to those and don’t look back. Sometimes you have to make plans to not plan and live day to day and hopefully eventually you’ll be able to plan that trip to the Grand Canyon, Dollywood or the white sandy beaches of Florida together.

You are not alone in your own anxieties and insecurities about the future and what it will hold. This is a New Year though so we can look forward to a new day every day and it not being the same as the one before that is for sure! And for some of us maybe a little Zumba or chocolate in between…