....Happy Birthday Daddy!

This is one of those times where it feels like even though there’s so much on my plate as a Marine wife, mother, Girl Scout junkie, podiatrist, confidant, doctor, consoler, grief counselor, nurse, chocolate and wine expert, carpool, soon to be homeschool mom, multi-tasker, chef, artist, couch potato writer and veterinarian that I have to stop for a minute and realize the date for a second. 

So my sister had a dream about daddy.  It was pretty cool so I hope she doesn’t get mad at me for writing about it but she said she’d dreamt but what felt real that she’d gone over to visit momma and was just sitting at the kitchen table chit chatting when dad just gingerly walked out of the bedroom clear as day.  After she picked up her jaw she asked him, “What are YOU doing here?! You’re supposed to be dead.”  He basically told her that she was right and that he was okay. 

It was pretty neat to hear & I wish I could have one like that.  Just to know that he looked real good and he is okay ‘from the horse’s mouth’ would comfort my heart and it did as she told me her story.  As I write this I sit in his old one pocket t-shirt that’s worn from the days he used to put in cigarette packs or tissue and stretch out the pockets.  When I first got this shirt from mom I only wanted it and some of his socks mainly because it was his we worn the same size (I used to use them all the time anyways) but it also smelled like him which was a HUGE plus but that almost killed and comforted me at the same time.  It’s his birthday today and it is a good day to reflect again on him and how he helped shape me. 

I would’ve never known how to fish or seen someone go into the water to catch a catfish if not for mom & daddy. 

I was spoiled rotten because I was the baby (no matter what my sister says)

I would’ve never realized how important family is without mom & dad because after Sammy, Cassie and Granny Little died everyone kind of clung closer to one another and I didn’t realize why but now that dad’s gone I do.  Life is precious and limited.

I never realized how alike I am to him and mom because without my sister-in-law, Kathie, my sisters and momma’s memories of my childhood I often overlook that we’re all different ages but are bonded together in more ways than one by the two of them raising us.

The list can go on and on…..

Time heals wounds.  Whoever said that is full of shit…lol. No not really but about half right.  I agree that it heals your heart by easing your grief but your mind is a whole other ocean of emotions.  When I sit back and think about the time that has come and gone since my dad has passed I think about the birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, life changes and everything that has occurred without him.  Sitting here now I still want to call mom and ask for dad to tell him happy birthday!  We’d all go over and hand him lottery tickets or money or food but can’t anymore.  That gets me every time. 

Hell he would have never guessed the price of a gallon of gas or anything else these days or that McCain would lose and we have the president we do.  Jokingly and sarcastically maybe but never in a million years would he have thought it would have came true. Ha! 

He would have loved to see my sister kick cancers ass considering he passed away from it.  Everything simultaneously was smashed together 3 years ago today; her diagnosis, daddy’s illness and then passing which was incredibly hard on all of us but no one more than my sister.  That’s enough stress to make anyone crumble but like always she showed grace, strength, and still is amazingly inspiring through it all. 

He would have been worried and excited to know I moved across the country.  He always had high hopes for me but we never thought I’d leave Texas ever!  He’d be surprised at how 3 years could completely change a persons’ life for the better.  I wish he could see my house, how my Chevy truck is still kickin’, how these ‘hippies and gold rush folks’ out here do more than surf and smoke pot all day like most Texans think and that they do have decent bar-b-que here.  I wish he could see my Wyatt Earp and Cody they love momma and I know daddy would have reluctantly loved them too. 

He would have never guessed my momma would have gotten on an airplane and lived to tell the tale and several times at that!!  She got on her first one to come and visit me in California and has been on the move ever since.  She’s accomplished so much and come a long way to even retire from her job.  She misses her best friend and companion of 40+ years and to know a love of that magnitude then to let it go has to be the hardest thing a woman ever has to do.  Their fights, bickering, pinched butts, loving glances, sarcastic daggering glances, nicknames like “big butt” and the joking back and forth of their relationship balanced out the serious and not so serious times. 

We have such a huge family and it has gone through some definite changes since daddy passed some for the good and not so good.  I think we all miss his presence and the taken for granted conversations the most.  The daily numerous phone calls to just check on us and funny voicemails we all knew what he’d say, “hey crystal, this is your daddy…” lol. I knew his voice like the back of my hand but every voice mail was the same it made me laugh then but cry now.  I wish I could hear that voice again.  I think we all miss sitting and talkin’ for a long time about nothing.  Anything would do from the latest neighbor gossip, snoody distant relatives, the weather from present to past, his family, our family including the crazy ones; nothing was off limits to a good conversation.  He’d tell you what he really thought then what he thought others would think would be politically correct so if someone asked you could just quote the watered down version. LOL!  

I think we all really miss that the most and like I said time heals the grief but I doubt it will ever suppress the memories in our mind.  

Happy Birthday spike! 

New Year...new you?!

It's been too long....Happy New Year! I hope everyone is enjoying there's!

New Year, new you?!

So how has the New Year treated everyone? Same old same old or new and exciting?!

Have you begun a daily routine of walking in the mornings or switched cereal brands? Has anyone tried Zumba fitness or the Brazil Butt Lift?! I’ve heard amazing things for both of those things. Don’t knock it til you try it but yes I think the Butt Lift one should maybe have a different name. LOL.

Did you implement ‘no television during dinner’ or less sweets for everyone? How about a commitment to save more money this year or blow all your savings to redecorate your house? Do you secretly want to attend a hoarders/extreme couponers/chocoholics anonymous classes maybe?

I know I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for a while now. 2012 for us has been fast and furious so far and shows no signs of slowing down. I swear the teachers pile it on after the holidays for these kids. Do they not know that it is Girl Scout cookie time and also kids-spreading-around-the-flu-season?! I do not have the time or brain capacity to sit here and make a mission project or create a dress for Colonial Day! Thank you very much, maybe next time. Sorry I’m done venting. LOL

For some wives even though we may want so many new changes or experiences from the New Year sometimes the Marine Corps thinks differently and they’re deploying or training to deploy or have duty or needed for long hours at work. No kiss at midnight? No one to help you do all the chores and tasks I mentioned above? Don’t feel alone. LOL! To cook or not to cook dinner that is the question!

And for some husbands’ their past will linger over into New Years for unknown years to come. A lot of what our guys experience and live through whether combat or non-combat related can affect them in such a way that they have so much stress and anxiety it affects their everyday lives which in turn affect yours. There isn’t anything you can do to make them forget or change what they feel other than help them realize they will be able to get through it with your support. Keep in mind everyone has different degrees of severity when talking about PTS & PTSD so everyone is a bit different in what they can handle and what they can’t so sometimes talking to an outside person puts all of this into perspective and can give new options and techniques as to how to cope.

A guy got into an argument with his wife over a military picture that was laying around and it brought back memories of that day it was taken. He didn’t remember he brought out the picture or that he was the one who left it out. For some reason at that moment when he caught a glimpse of it he just was mad. He had never talked to his wife about his adventures and experiences within the service so the words he spoke weren’t to her he was talking through her. He took his memories and anger out on the wife and she ended up different shades of blue, purple and red on her face, arms and body. He choked her until her lips were purple and she almost had no fight left in her.

For some reason as her life was literally slipping away in his hands he let up abruptly as if snapping back to reality at just the right moment. The whole story is horrific and saddening but the cops were called and it was a case of simple domestic violence for civilians but for those of us with men who have PTSD it’s that. In this instance the wife left him and only because he refused treatment for his PTSD and without it he is almost guaranteed it will happen again & there are children involved so as a mother she cannot risk it. She continues to ask him to seek counseling for their marriage and the PTSD.

Some of these stories we’ve all heard about recently on the news are more mild and some more severe than others. I’m not saying it is okay for men to hit and abuse women but the shoes have been on many military families without always knowing what the real trigger that set him off was. It isn’t as simple as ok throw him in jail and he’ll be better. Ladies you’re the commander in chief even if they don’t realize it so encourage your husband by helping him get help for himself and for your family and do it sooner rather than later.

Regardless of whether you seek professional help or not there still might be set backs and lapses with varying degrees depending on stress levels and anxiety of each situation in his and your day to day routine. Nightmares, night sweats, getting punched or choked in your sleep? Is there a big social event coming up, parents/in-laws in town, fireworks show, rambunctious kids, too much noise and artillery bombing in the distance? It might not be a great day for your household. This really sucks when arty decides to do their bombing over a consistent time. You may not be able to plan for outings or strolls down the street to see the sunset. Even driving may be too much to handle because he gets such bad road rage just going to the commissary down the block. Roles in the marriage may shift gradually or abruptly so this is where your training and Semper-gumbyness comes in. As crazy as everything may seem when it all boils down to it you love this man and without question back his decisions within the Marine Corps.

I just wish more people would talk amongst themselves or go to a VVSD Family Night and share their stories so it’s not such a mystery that is some secret that no one speaks about. There is always strength in numbers so if someone was to share a story and others have experienced the same thing it’s a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. You’re not crazy yeah!

Some days can be better than others so look forward to those and don’t look back. Sometimes you have to make plans to not plan and live day to day and hopefully eventually you’ll be able to plan that trip to the Grand Canyon, Dollywood or the white sandy beaches of Florida together.

You are not alone in your own anxieties and insecurities about the future and what it will hold. This is a New Year though so we can look forward to a new day every day and it not being the same as the one before that is for sure! And for some of us maybe a little Zumba or chocolate in between…

Twas the Night before Christmas...

'Twas The Night Before Christmas,

He Lived All Alone,

In A One Bedroom House

Made Of Plaster And Stone.

I Had Come Down The Chimney

With Presents To Give,

And To See Just Who

In This Home Did Live.

I Looked All About,

A Strange Sight I Did See,

No Tinsel, No Presents,

Not Even A Tree.

No Stocking By Mantle,

Just Boots Filled With Sand,

On The Wall Hung Pictures

Of Far Distant Lands.

With Medals And Badges,

Awards Of All Kinds,

A Sober Thought

Came Through My Mind.

For This House Was Different,

It Was Dark And Dreary,

I Found The Home Of A Soldier,

Once I Could See Clearly.

The Soldier Lay Sleeping,

Silent, Alone,

Curled Up On The Floor

In This One Bedroom Home.

The Face Was So Gentle,

The Room In Such Disorder,

Not How I Pictured

A United States Soldier.

Was This The Hero

Of Whom I'd Just Read?

Curled Up On A Poncho,

The Floor For A Bed?

I Realized The Families

That I Saw This Night,

Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers

Who Were Willing To Fight.

Soon Round The World,

The Children Would Play,

And Grownups Would Celebrate

A Bright Christmas Day.

They All Enjoyed Freedom

Each Month Of The Year,

Because Of The Soldiers,

Like The One Lying Here.

I Couldn't Help Wonder

How Many Lay Alone,

On A Cold Christmas Eve

In A Land Far From Home.

The Very Thought

Brought A Tear To My Eye,

I Dropped To My Knees

And Started To Cry.

The Soldier Awakened

And I Heard A Rough Voice,

"Santa Don't Cry,

This Life Is My Choice;

I Fight For Freedom,

I Don't Ask For More,

My Life Is My God,

My Country, My Corps."

The Soldier Rolled Over

And Drifted To Sleep,

I Couldn't Control It,

I Continued To Weep.

I Kept Watch For Hours,

So Silent And Still

And We Both Shivered

From The Cold Night's Chill.

I Didn't Want To Leave

On That Cold, Dark, Night,

This Guardian Of Honor

So Willing To Fight.

Then The Soldier Rolled Over,

With A Voice Soft And Pure,

Whispered, "Carry On Santa,

It's Christmas Day, All Is Secure."

One Look At My Watch,

And I Knew He Was Right.

"Merry Christmas My Friend,

And To All A Good Night."

Written by Lance Corporal James M. Schmidt in 1986. Printed in Leatherneck (The Magazines for the Marines) in December 1991.

Annaleigh's story...

Things to really think about while reading this article: Are you a supporter of the Marine Corps? Do you take offense when someone says something ignorant about the Marines? Do images of these guys with seen and unseen injuries limping off the battlefield and the photos of flag draped caskets bring a tear to your eye? Do you support your husband no matter what and would advocate for his job in the Marine Corps and your patriotism? Overall people are patriotic to the core. This is our homeland, our military, our land of the free because of the brave and all that right?

Well, let me introduce y’all to a good friend of mine which y’all may see below referred to as Pacheco’s wife aka AnnaLeigh. She is not so new to the circle of friends in my life but new to this blog. She is a young, beautiful brunette & thin like most of us long to be, but also has very quick wit and a short temper for ignorance like most wives who been through what she’s been through.

We became acquaintances under dire circumstances when I was still a family readiness assistant & personal assistant to the newest Family Readiness Officer. She’d called me as her point of contact to tell me it was rumored around good ol' Facebook & the 'watercooler' that her husband was missing limbs and they only found his head in combat yet she hadn’t heard any news from him or Headquarters Marine Corps in Virginia. Cue the expletives! Idiotic, insensitive individuals is what I will say about this situation. This is what everyone meant in those trainings, seminars and meetings about the deployments in saying ‘loose lips’; these individuals should have kept their mouths shut about things they had no idea was true or not; when in fact her husband was absolutely fine. Drama! This is the main reason why most wives are apprehensive to be friends with other wives due to this ignorance and complete disregard for others privacy and feelings.

Her husband, Jason put Anthony on the Blackhawk out of Afghanistan when he was injured so we have always been thankful and appreciative for him in our lives. Coincidentally after she’d talked to her husband about the rumors, just 10 hours later while on patrol he did happen to step on an IED, incur a TBI and lose his right leg and part of his pinky finger. We became actual friends when our lives took an unexpected hard right turn almost at the same time. Between the sometimes simultaneous doctors’ appointments, red tape of injuries, trying to figure out a way to forge on in the Marine Corps and get our guys better; our lives seemed to mirror in more than one way.

So you can see she is just as awesome as her husband and has been through more than her fair share of obstacles! She dealt with unruly in-laws overstepping and overstaying their welcome while she’s trying to reunite with her husband after being in a combat zone and experiencing a horrific incident, this is enough to break anyone! Not to mention both of them were adjusting to the injury itself and those obstacles, the medications, surgeries, opinions, therapies, prosthetics and all that comes with being in the hospital more than being at home. She’s been his rock and he’s been so motivated to get back to where he belongs with his men that he was actually given that opportunity by the Commandant and Sgt Major of the Marine Corps and will leave soon to go back to Afghanistan.

The other day there was a unit function to honor the Marine Corps birthday. She was sitting alone while her husband and mine were running around somewhere and a random wife approaches her. The young lady polite enough and possibly with innocent intentions said, “Hello there, who are you here with?” AnnaLeigh said she was there with her husband, Jason. This wife must not have known who AnnaLeigh was because she then sarcastically and in typical high school girl fashion said, “Well…it must be nice…” Full of self restraint and grace AnnaLeigh responded, “Yeah, it is nice.” The inquisitive lady said, “Has he ever been to Afghanistan?” AnnaLeigh once again with the patience of a saint informed her, “Yes, he has. He went last year and lost his leg but he’s going back again soon.” The young woman was speechless and had to have found herself, embarrassed and outdone so she simply walked away.

Now how AnnaLeigh kept it together I will never know, I wasn’t present to witness this teaching lesson. But I do hope that young lady has more forethought from now on to actually learn a person’s story and not be so quick to be a smartass and stick her foot in her mouth before she disrespects those she doesn’t know from Adam. Especially a Wounded Warrior Wife who’s been through so much in just a year’s time. I hope that narrow-minded person learned a bit of respect for those who are left behind here whether they attend a mostly deployed unit’s event or otherwise. Just because these guys appear 100% on the outside does not mean there are not scars there at all & are invisible to the naked eye. Jason and Anthony both wore pants to that event but they are full of scratches, scars and pain no will ever know but the men they fought with and those closest to them. The Wounded Warriors and their wives shouldn’t have to explain or justify any of that and neither should anyone else who is left behind after a unit deploys. Everyone has a story whether they are asked to tell it or not. 

The stares, the probing questions, the ignorance is just a glimpse of what Wounded Warrior wives deal with often from strangers even other military spouses, who don't understand or know our whole story. 

We’re taught to love one another and be kind. Would you have judged a book by its cover in AnnaLeigh by having her husband at an event? Would you have been so quick to judge and respond with a snark comment without knowing her story? Do you think that young lady learned to look outside of herself and her situation and maybe won’t be so ignorant to the facts next time?

My Momma...

There are many songs, poems and literature written about how a mom should be and the love of a mom to her child.  The funny ones make you laugh and the good ones that apply so well and are totally true make you cry.  This little blog made me cry with happiness and just memories flooding in.  I hope it makes you happy too mom.

I know I am blessed to have my momma in my life and on this earth; especially on her special day and to be able to call her up any time and hear her voice is truly something I do not take for granted.  Even as a young child I could see how deeply she loved all of her kids, how she always wanted us around and always spent time with us and took care of us emotionally and mentally.  I couldn’t have asked for a more caring, loving and understanding individual.  It really did seem like she was put on this earth to make us happy.  I don’t know how the hell she did it.  She had a smile on her face pretty much the entire time and living in Southern California everyone has the go-with-the-flow mindset that she had that I never really understood how she hardly ever was under stress.  Now that I’m older I know momma had little tricks up her sleeve and under her belt that I wish I could do and everyone knows I haven’t mastered any.  She wasn’t mother Teresa but she was my saint and guardian angel to me in my time of need from my birth.  Without her literally I don’t know where I would be in this world right now and I owe my start, beginning, upbringing and moral values to the woman who loved me at first sight and chose to love me unconditionally.  Those who know me know I was a stubborn and strong-minded young person but those are hormones for you and I’ve apologized for that.  I do know I hope to spend the rest of my days making sure my girls get to know, understand and hear all the awesome things momma told me and momma’s momma taught me.  Words aren’t descriptive enough to say how wonderful I think she is and I won’t even try but to know that someone always is and will be in your corner as your biggest fan and cheerleader supporting you through your life is the greatest gift anyone could ever give even if you had all the money in the world.  To be happy and content with your family and knowing that my mom and family is happy is more than enough; to have folks understand and ‘get’ you is worth it’s weight in gold and that’s what makes me happy.  Daddy is watching down on us probably wondering what we’re going to get you for your birthday momma and wishing he could call Margaret to tell her to get you something for him then acting surprised at your reaction and asking you if he could have it.  I hate that I can’t be with my mom on her birthday but know my family will be there for her to wish her the best on her special day.  I love you more than anything Momma….Happy Birthday.

Zumba with Gaby...

Holy cow batman!  Went to Zumba with Gaby tonight for the first time ever. 

We first walk by the room and see about 6 rows of skinny girls r' us and kept on walking.  We debated for a moment, weighed the pros and cons then decided to just check it out anyways.  We'd been procrastinating this class for months now and had finally made our way to the parking lot so we had to at least pop in.  We could've always left if we started hyperventilating or one of us passed out right?  We noticed so many people in the room they had to move equipment to cram us all in.  There tons of water bottles (as we soon would find out we NEED and now know for the next time) as we meekly made our way to the back of the room thinking we had gone insane to try this and one of us surely would faint before the night was over.  That room was intimidating at first because of the sheer numbers but also the hard core Zumba people are in the front glaring at folks walking in while stretching in preparation to burn burn burn those calories away.  Gaby and I are back of the room work out folks thank you very much. 

Zumba is not what you see on television.  Okay well maybe a bit with the crazed gym rat size 0 instructor in the front trying to motivate everyone to contort their bodies in shapes we haven't done in years all the while urging us to 'work it out'.  After literally 20 minutes I was thinking, 'um yeah I'm going to work my butt off in a hot tub with some Epsom salt and Icy/Hot afterwards and maybe a heating pad for good measure!' I have 2 kids and feel too old to do dance routines from my youth days of drill team.  That young lady was determined to make us sweat though come hell or high water.

Oh let me backtrack.  This is a Marine Corps gym on base here so what I found HILARIOUS was that there were a number of gentlemen in this class & they shook their money makers like she did when the time called for it.  Oh man these guys who were in the back of the room with us made this class worthwhile.  They were very young and sweet but it was amazing to see guys doing the same moves this instructor lady was doing and the guys kept up with her and on beat.  Apparently Gaby & I had been missing out on this craze called Zumba because everyone is into it.  

Gone are the times of Bunco, Bingo, bowling or a gentle stroll down your block with the one you love.  Couples go to Zumba in 2011!  We'll definitely go again and maybe even take the husbands along with us to share in the fun with the rest of us.

can't believe it's been 3 years!

Time heals wounds.  Whoever said that is full of shit…lol. No not really but about half right.  I agree that it heals your heart by easing your grief but your mind is a whole other ocean of emotions.  When I sit back and think about the time that has come and gone since my dad has passed I think about the birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, life changes and everything that has occurred without him.  That gets me every time.   

Hell he would have never guessed that McCain would lose and we have the president we do.  Jokingly and sarcastically maybe but never in a million years would he have thought it would have came true. Ha! 

He would have loved to see my sister kick cancers ass considering he passed away from it.  Everything simultaneously was smashed together 3 years ago today; her diagnosis, daddy’s illness and then passing which was incredibly hard on all of us but no one more than my sister.  That’s enough stress to make anyone crumble but like always she showed grace, strength, and still is amazingly inspiring through it all. 

He would have been worried and excited to know I moved across the country.  He always had high hopes for me but we never thought I’d leave Texas ever!  He’d be surprised at how 3 years could completely change a persons’ life for the better.  I wish he could see my house, how my Chevy truck is still kickin’, how these ‘hippies and gold rush folks’ out here do more than surf and smoke pot all day like most Texans think and that they do have decent bar-b-que here.  I wish he could see my Wyatt Earp and Cody they love momma and I know daddy would have reluctantly loved them too. 

He would have never guessed my momma would have gotten on an airplane and lived to tell the tale!  She got on her first one to come and visit me in California and has been on the move ever since.  She’s accomplished so much and come a long way.  She misses her best friend and companion of 40+ years and to know a love of that magnitude then to let it go has to be the hardest thing a woman ever has to do.  Their fights, bickering, pinched butts, loving glances, sarcastic daggering glances, nicknames like “big butt” and the joking back and forth of their relationship balanced out the serious and not so serious times. 

We have such a huge family and it has gone through some definite changes since daddy passed some for the good and not so good.  If he were here he would have seen Brittany graduate high school, go to college, is a lifeguard and just a very beautiful young lady.  Brooke became an awesome violist, started high school, and is super smart with absolutely everything animals, she also is beautiful and looks a lot like Margaret as a teenager.  The animal changes Margaret’s had in her household daddy wouldn’t have been able to keep up with quite like myself but the big monster MoeMoe and licker Odie; none of us can forget.  Christopher’s out of college, doing extremely well in Dallas which is really great for a very smart and handsome young man he turned out to be.  Kyndel add a few more to her nest and settle down with a nice man who seems to really care about his kids and Kyndel.  Josh has followed in the footsteps of the Berner men by becoming an Engineer for the Merchant Marines which is amazing and has done and seen so many new things it’s unreal.  He will make many friends and many stories along this journey.  Christina and Jonathan both are doing so well in their jobs and families even though there’s always constant change going on.  Nevaeh and Amber have been through so much in their short years on this earth but they’ve come through it all with flying colors and are amazing little munchkins so smart and dingy at the same time; a little Texan and a little Californian.  He’d be shocked at how big they’ve gotten and how many big words Anthony & I don’t even know damn Californian teachers.  Melissa shocked the hell out of us all with her enlistment finally into the Navy.  Regardless of the obstacles she had to go through to get there, stay there and fight hard to continue on with her course of training she really showed her grit and commitment to her military service.  He’d definitely be amused that the Navy apparently just gives money away and that even though Melissa’s only been in 7 months she is almost at the pay grade Anthony is at with almost 5 years in! 

I think we all miss his presence and the conversations the most.  The daily numerous phone calls to just check on us and funny voicemails we all knew what he’d say, “hey crystal, this is your daddy…” lol. I knew his voice like the back of my hand but every voice mail was the same it made me laugh then but cry now.  I wish I could hear that voice again.  I think we all miss sitting and talkin’ for a long time about nothing.  Anything would do from the neighbors, the weather from present to past, his family, our family including the crazy ones; nothing was off limits to a good conversation.  He’d tell you what he really thought then what he thought others would think would be politically correct so if someone asked you could just quote the watered down version. LOL!  

I think we all really miss that the most and like I said time heals the grief but I doubt it will ever quell the memories in our mind.